What this place has taught me is that life really can be beautiful! Spirituality and love in life really do exist and that happiness can indeed be found in all sorts of places and settings. It’s funny how when you don’t really know how or what to think about something then it’s easy to immediately jump to the fear aspect and quintessential point that everything seems scary and somewhat unnerving. Reality is that it’s not – at all! In fact, far from and hugely removed from such thoughts.
I’m currently in transit from Bangkok to Amman and I can honestly say that I am unsure as to how I’m really feeling about going back in the return directions instead of the other. Especially given right now, the referendum vote is occurring and let’s just say it’s really not looking great. It’s definitely not the same as when I left and that’s only in eleven days! You come so far along, learn to get excited for the ‘next’ and then it hits harder on return. If I’m totally honest, I think that the fact that I am unsure as to what may occur next seems to be the problem. However, I catch myself each time mid-thinking and remind myself that I actually do not now what may occur and that’s okay. To be here, alive for me is a miracle, therefore what’s to say that here on will not be another magnificent beauty of an adventure.
I realise every time that I travel somewhere new, just how much I want to go and see new places even more. The culture, life, way of living and the unique mannerisms that belong to each country, city or town. Each time I visit another, a part of my heart gets captured, completely encapsulated – engulfed by the distinct qualities of the humans I encounter, moments that I experience – sights, sounds and smells. Those moments when it hits you, maybe more so me of just how lucky I am to be living, let alone with the ability to touch, feel, smell and absorb such incredible beauty in another part of the world we live.
I do not and shall not ever understand those who say that they do not want to travel or see the world – to just stay in one place and not open themselves up to others. I’m not saying that every country is for everyone, not at all. What I will stick by though is that people do not know until they try! I know for a fact that I have been both pleasantly surprised and equally not so, with the most unexpected of places. Again – you don’t know until you go and see! Don’t really have any evidence to place any sort of ‘factually based’ thoughts on anything or anyone as such unless you really do go and put yourselves in their shoes. I genuinally have this theory that a lot of this arrogance and ‘unwillingness’ to go and see other cultures and values is due to fear. The thing that drives all irrational. Since these last six months, I have been one of the most exceptionally anxious and nervous of people but I am thankfully so self-aware from experiencing what I have, that I know what to do in order to help myself. I did it, rather than shying away and hoping things would just mend themselves.
Reality is that I still have a long way to go till my medical and physical restrictions are answered. I have a long way till the bad is somehow closed and resolved. I definitely still have a while till my growth and finalised decisions of whether I will one day be able to be a mother is answered. Right now, I reassess. Having time away in some place else is somewhat more idyllic in a new environment removed from such closed opinions and detrimental circles of life choices and options leading to obscene opinions.
I ask myself. Question. If I am not a mother biologically by no choice of my own, is this the end of the world? If I’m in recovery and that bit heavier, happy then is this really such a terrible thing? If I don’t feel comfortable in one place and need to travel, what the heck is wrong with that?! If I start looking out for myself instead of purposely regarding others continually before my own needs, does this really make me a bad person? No, no and another two ‘no’s,’ Am I actually alright being me and true to myself? Am I doing right in putting my all into living my life the way I want – pursuing acting, writing and helping others? Making sure happiness comes first! Am I making the right decision to make myself the healthiest I can be? Will my life be easier the more I focus on these things? Yes, yes and another two ‘yes’.’
The fact, the truest quote and thing that will always be the way I live my life is that ‘life is for living!’ When you have faced mortality right in the chops so much in your life – for me fourteen, eighteen, twenty three, five and then twenty six, well I can tell you that is most definitely five times more than wanted with the added affirmation that I really should be here! I feel like a cat only I don’t wish to risk it anymore to the nine lives. Maybe I’ll stick with the Asian theory and be true to my Chinese birth year and be the horse with five lives instead. Follow the Buddhist theory of focusing on the now and continually look for the beauty and peace in whatever part of the world I’m in, person I come in contact with and experience I encounter. Life really is beautiful – so I’ll end just with one last request. To all, I tell you, ask you and request that you please just live your life, observe the beauty – experience it, embrace it and look beyond the bad, the ugly and the damn silly idealisms of certain figures within our society. We are all human, we are all the same….we are all the people that make up this beautiful world!