A letter of hope to the world….

A letter of hope to the world….

Dear world,

I wanted to write you a letter to speak openly of how I’m feeling about you and how this last year has seemed for the many of us. A letter of hope really to people out there who maybe feel like life isn’t worth living, to the masses who need everyday support – some days more than most, people who have had bad news – grief, loss, hurt and deep set damage; physically and mentally…people like myself who feel like they’ve been beaten from pillar to post from incredible amounts of trauma and unfortunate circumstance.

This year; 2016 has been incredibly difficult to say the least for the majority. One that has been full of death…loss for those extremely close to me and those that bit further, some particular strangers known by names. A year of extreme violence and political harm and hatred. A year of segregation and deprivation, anger and hurt. A mix of negativity and emotional struggle for many a human living on this planet.

I ask the question world – is this what we have to live with? Is this negativity what we’re supposed to focus on and keep dwelling on to carry on mentally tying so many people down? Are we not allowed hope? Positivity? Happiness? I am well aware that a lot of these circumstances are both in and out of our control as humans living on this earth. I’m equally aware that a lot of the time, we cannot really change other people’s lives either or the way in which society is conformed but what I do know is that every single person on this planet has the incredible ability to love.

I am one single human on this planet who has felt like you world have tested her. In fact more than the most. My year began by continuing to be incredibly ill with both cancer and anorexia combined, I then got raped before January was even over and then the year continued to present me with further struggles splitting what could have potentially been a great future relationship from no fault of any parties just confusion and mental trauma, authorities who didn’t look after me when they should have resulting in more trauma to then feeling like there was no way out and becoming mentally unwell, to more recently with further medical and legal struggles….tipping me over the edge once again not wanting to continue life at all. World, I am one single human on this planet who has had an absolute shit load to go through in the space of twelve months and yes, yes right now world I feel angry, bitter at you! I feel sorry for myself and utterly at my end but I am not willing to have you, this negativity or this upset pull other people to this point EVER.

This is where my letter World defers a little to those reading into our personal chat… This is where I address this part of my letter to the many on this planet who are struggling, continue to struggle and need that support and understanding. To those reading this, hello! You don’t need to know my name if you’re reading this without knowing who I am but what I do ask is that you please read and listen to what I have got to say. For those who don’t know my story, what I’ve been through and what my life has entailed, I’d like to think they’d know no different. This year, when focusing on all of the negatives seem like it has been the worst for sure, as I’m sure may be the same for the many of you! But I ask you now to please, read and listen.

Firstly, I’d like to reassure you that things WILL get better. No matter how terribly horrible they seem right now, whether I make it through this next week, weeks, year or few years, I can promise you that they will because they simply have to. I also ask that you trust me when I tell you that nobody can change that, nobody but YOU! I share my negative year with the fact that I can equally counteract it with my positives. My year has been awfully horrendous yes but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had some amazing things happen as well. I have indeed had some incredible acting jobs and begun to work again, I have travelled to see one of my closest over in Hong Kong, I got approached to publish my book, I have helped hundreds of young people and performed to even more. I have made new friends, gained trust and friendships with some stunning people and met even more amazing humans from the traumas whilst by some miracle raising the £4,000 for me to be able to look into and begin the process of freezing my eggs to one day have a family. I also realise that no matter how bad things are, no matter how bad they seem or how ‘on your own’ you feel….you are NEVER EVER alone!

It would be so easy, in fact it is so easy to forget these positives when you’re at your lowest point I get that believe me. When time and time again this ‘world’ kicks you mentally and physically in the face. When you loose the people closest and things that mean everything to you but may I ask you something? Can you for just one second stop and look around at the beauty. Look at the smallest thing….that weird mark on the wall that if you look close enough is a shape of something you recognise, the fact that the feather, dust or bit of a dandelion is falling slowly, possibly in time to the song in your head. The wind, rain or sun on your face. The feeling of warmth falling down your cheeks from your eyes. Yes – even in tears there is beauty! The beauty that you’re able to feel, the fact that you can cry if you need to and that there is always someone willing to grab you, hold you and tell you that everything will be okay. The capability to speak and communicate in some way – whether that be speaking, blinking, looking, the vibration of a shake, the silent swallow or glazed glimpse in the ever so tired eye. Someone, somewhere and in some way WILL understand. I promise.

So world, I’m talking to you now and asking for us both. Can we please begin by injecting more beauty and love into the world? More kindness to each other? More consideration and understanding in that we all make mistakes, we all hurt people when we don’t mean to, we all aren’t perfect but can try to make you, us all, each other a little bit better? A little bit nicer? A little bit more tolerable for the many? It’s fact World, that all us humans living on you have negatives and positives to live through…good and bad but can I ask you….can you please help to make these; no matter how hard, just that little bit more beautiful?

XxX

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Day seven to eleven – hope in the goodbyes.

Day seven to eleven – hope in the goodbyes.

What this place has taught me is that life really can be beautiful! Spirituality and love in life really do exist and that happiness can indeed be found in all sorts of places and settings. It’s funny how when you don’t really know how or what to think about something then it’s easy to immediately jump to the fear aspect and quintessential point that everything seems scary and somewhat unnerving. Reality is that it’s not – at all! In fact, far from and hugely removed from such thoughts.

I’m currently in transit from Bangkok to Amman and I can honestly say that I am unsure as to how I’m really feeling about going back in the return directions instead of the other. Especially given right now, the referendum vote is occurring and let’s just say it’s really not looking great.  It’s definitely not the same as when I left and that’s only in eleven days! You come so far along, learn to get excited for the ‘next’ and then it hits harder on return. If I’m totally honest, I think that the fact that I am unsure as to what may occur next seems to be the problem. However, I catch myself each time mid-thinking and remind myself that I actually do not now what may occur and that’s okay. To be here, alive for me is a miracle, therefore what’s to say that here on will not be another magnificent beauty of an adventure.

I realise every time that I travel somewhere new, just how much I want to go and see new places even more. The culture, life, way of living and the unique mannerisms that belong to each country, city or town. Each time I visit another, a part of my heart gets captured, completely encapsulated – engulfed by the distinct qualities of the humans I encounter, moments that I experience – sights, sounds and smells. Those moments when it hits you, maybe more so me of just how lucky I am to be living, let alone with the ability to touch, feel, smell and absorb such incredible beauty in another part of the world we live.

I do not and shall not ever understand those who say that they do not want to travel or see the world – to just stay in one place and not open themselves up to others. I’m not saying that every country is for everyone, not at all. What I will stick by though is that people do not know until they try! I know for a fact that I have been both pleasantly surprised and equally not so, with the  most unexpected of places. Again – you don’t know until you go and see! Don’t really have any evidence to place any sort of ‘factually based’ thoughts on anything or anyone as such unless you really do go and put yourselves in their shoes. I genuinally have this theory that a lot of this arrogance and ‘unwillingness’ to go and see other cultures and values is due to fear. The thing that drives all irrational. Since these last six months, I have been one of the most exceptionally anxious and nervous of people but I am thankfully so self-aware from experiencing what I have, that I know what to do in order to help myself. I did it, rather than shying away and hoping things would just mend themselves.

Reality is that I still have a long way to go till my medical and physical restrictions are answered. I have a long way till the bad is somehow closed and resolved. I definitely still have a while till my growth and finalised decisions of whether I will one day be able to be a mother is answered. Right now, I reassess. Having time away in some place else is somewhat more idyllic in a new environment removed from such closed opinions and detrimental circles of life choices and options leading to obscene opinions.

Positives!

I ask myself. Question. If I am not a mother biologically by no choice of my own, is this the end of the world? If I’m in recovery and that bit heavier, happy then is this really such a terrible thing? If I don’t feel comfortable in one place and need to travel, what the heck is wrong with that?! If I start looking out for myself instead of purposely regarding others continually before my own needs, does this really make me a bad person? No, no and another two ‘no’s,’ Am I actually alright being me and true to myself? Am I doing right in putting my all into living my life the way want – pursuing acting, writing and helping others? Making sure happiness comes first! Am I making the right decision to make myself the healthiest I can be? Will my life be easier the more I focus on these things? Yes, yes and another two ‘yes’.’

The fact, the truest quote and thing that will always be the way I live my life is that ‘life is for living!’ When you have faced mortality right in the chops so much in your life – for me fourteen, eighteen, twenty three, five and then twenty six, well I can tell you that is most definitely five times more than wanted with the added affirmation that I really should be here! I feel like a cat only I don’t wish to risk it anymore to the nine lives. Maybe I’ll stick with the Asian theory and be true to my Chinese birth year and be the horse with five lives instead. Follow the Buddhist theory of focusing on the now and continually look for the beauty and peace in whatever part of the world I’m in, person I come in contact with and experience I  encounter. Life really is beautiful – so I’ll end just with one last request. To all, I tell you, ask you and request that you please just live your life, observe the beauty – experience it, embrace it and look beyond the bad, the ugly and the damn silly idealisms of certain figures within our society. We are all human, we are all the same….we are all the people that make up this beautiful world!

X

 

Day 2: Mon Mo temple, Nan Lain Gardens with a little bit of Chi-lin nunnery

Day 2: Mon Mo temple, Nan Lain Gardens with a little bit of Chi-lin nunnery

I can’t quite take in the beauty of this place. The gardens are completely stunning! The contrast of beautiful nature vs that of vast skyscrapers is beyond belief. The echoing of soothing music around is pure bliss as the pottering takes place and I feel a sense of amazement and calmness. I am more than glad that I took the step to go that much further because this really is quite amazing! I’ve talked and spoken in various gambled phrases to the ladies in the glass exhibition, the gentleman at the timber place and can’t quite believe how kind and wonderfully friendly everyone is. It’s fresh, new and just….truly beautiful!

…It was when I came to the building after my walk around Nan Lain gardens to Chi-lin Nunnery that my mind was officially blown. It was the moment my heart; feelings turned from amber to green, ‘okay’ to great! Walking through, there were three women praying and a single gentleman who took his ever so rounded specs off each time and smiled after every worshiping point. I’ve always had this obsession with Asian culture. In fact, I used to make scrap book upon scrap book of projects, pictures and research into Japan, China, Buddhism and the temples, always being drawn to this form of spirituality, calm and peaceful way of living. Just perfect. I’m not religious but if I were and the more I look at the descriptions of what each Buddha stands for, the more I realise that I could quite easily fall into the Buddhist way of living an thinking. The tranquil stillness and intricate yet simple way of being in the ‘now.’ It’s pretty much all of what I am practicing right now. Taking note of the present, not forward or back…just now – giving, loving and listening.

Once back, I finish speaking to my partner and realise that I’ve actually spoken to him much more than usual by being away – is this that weird thing of ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder?’ It’s always been a case of ‘I’ll run away into the distance and forget’ before. It’s as I sit in the bar opposite the MTR station waiting for my good friend Garreth to return from work, that I realise how at home I feel and it’s only my second day – mental! I realise that I have been beyond brave in simply going at these new found adventures alone, not relying on a single soul and haven’t felt half the anxieties that I feel in my hometown. I feel like I belong. That I am part of this ever-so different culture and not judged for how I dress, look, act or behave at all; simply appreciated for who I am and for the fact my single smile projects so many positive energies to other people in this busy city and I feel it too. This is from me, only me.

I’ve always found it funny really how life has presented itself to me when I feel ‘green’ – projecting only the good out and want nothing more back or in return. Opportunity, love, hope and new found gateways come at once. Today, people gave back with that return of a single smile or nod, tonight – an offer of home tuition in Beijing from the single interaction with a little boy and his mother and just now – the over-the-top thanks at my offer of a lighter – again, with no more than this new found kindness in the form of an offer of a cigarette, a beautiful conversation and a new friend who is staying in the same place. It’s days like today that restores my faith in humanity. You see the beauty. Not the hatred, the violence, the judgmental or the absolute utter inhumane acts of terrorism of inequality and utter disgrace to other human beings. It’s on days like today that I realise how easy it is to find peace if you go out only giving and not expecting anything from the world or anyone else. If you give your all to others; love, laugh and smile like another despite the differences in culture and communication the feelings have no words. It’s on days like today that I realise what it’s like to live feeling nothing but happiness and contentment. It on days like today, Tuesday 14th June 2016 that I realise that EVERYONE – no matter who they are, has the ability to make their life something bigger, something better and something that makes them exceptionally proud from simply being themselves.

LMFC ❤