Soft lips and John Smiths…

Soft lips and John Smiths…

I often wonder what sort of a life a person or human ‘think’ they deserve. What they feel they deserve….or what their life even is and if it’s enough to fulfil their own ‘want’ or ‘need.’

It was today when going on a rather long and brisk walk around my new ‘back garden’ that I realised just what my life is as of now and what I thought I needed. What I maybe assumed I needed anyway and just how different the two were.

I stood there. I stood there and I took in the remarkable view. The colours, the sea, the sound of seagulls, the heat from my breath and sharpness of the wind and I breathed. It hit my chest hard but brought me back to the now of living in the moment. Seeing the world as it is and admiring just how beautiful and brilliant the world around me really was….is. There’s a part of me that feels a little amount of anxiety, the ‘am I actually allowed to feel this good?’ and the ‘is this view actually in front of my eyes?’ It comes to the front of my mind and I realise that I am. I try and separate the ’emotional mind’ from the ‘reasonable mind’ into that of the ‘wise.’ I try and allow myself to just ‘be’ and take it all  in. The main part of this process to begin to love myself and the world around me without doubt and fear.

It was a six hour trip (nearly) yesterday that took myself to this destination. The destination that Uzo the Merc Sprinter triumphed in! On arrival the overwhelming fear of ‘what the f**k is this place?’ and the ‘am I going to die?’ To the settled belief that actually what was in front of my eyes was real, that people did come to stay here and have their little holidays on the coast from time to time and that the amount of information given was actually true and real. That all of this was not actually some falsified vision and that sometimes to ‘land on your feet’ is just what happens!

It was then. At this point that the ‘settling’ began. The calm arrived. The hope began to appear slightly and the worry fade ever so gently. It was a conversation just the day before with my mother about fear for all things new that pushed me to not give into the anxiety around this journey. The constant ‘I will do this’ and ‘I won’t give in to what people think I’ll do.’ I guess a certain amount of stubbornness. As ever, illness has been an ever present part of my little journey so far. To not bring it with me in the van and so far away from home as part of my ‘safety blanket’ was and is ever so alien. Scary. I worry that I might get sick whilst away then realise it’s an irrational worry that might always be there somewhere once hitting remission. I then do the ‘get your shit together Soph, you’re fine and well and not poorly at all. Even the tonsillitis and infection is lifting and for that….be grateful!’ Nothing more than grateful. It’s so easy to forget these simple things…the ability to feel well. To be well. To take the simple and basic things in life for what they are. Just ‘life.’ To not fear them or worry and to grab them in our arms through to our souls, hearts and embrace them.

For this. For today I thank the world. I sit. I appreciate some more and I look forward to the little things. The homemade lip balm on my lips. The bitter John Smiths. The cooking that is about to come of foods that I would never have allowed into my body before. The simple. The little. The love. The hope. The wonder. The world that is actually my life and I remain excited about the unknown. The tomorrow that will be!

LMFC ❤ XxX

Advertisements

A letter of hope to the world….

A letter of hope to the world….

Dear world,

I wanted to write you a letter to speak openly of how I’m feeling about you and how this last year has seemed for the many of us. A letter of hope really to people out there who maybe feel like life isn’t worth living, to the masses who need everyday support – some days more than most, people who have had bad news – grief, loss, hurt and deep set damage; physically and mentally…people like myself who feel like they’ve been beaten from pillar to post from incredible amounts of trauma and unfortunate circumstance.

This year; 2016 has been incredibly difficult to say the least for the majority. One that has been full of death…loss for those extremely close to me and those that bit further, some particular strangers known by names. A year of extreme violence and political harm and hatred. A year of segregation and deprivation, anger and hurt. A mix of negativity and emotional struggle for many a human living on this planet.

I ask the question world – is this what we have to live with? Is this negativity what we’re supposed to focus on and keep dwelling on to carry on mentally tying so many people down? Are we not allowed hope? Positivity? Happiness? I am well aware that a lot of these circumstances are both in and out of our control as humans living on this earth. I’m equally aware that a lot of the time, we cannot really change other people’s lives either or the way in which society is conformed but what I do know is that every single person on this planet has the incredible ability to love.

I am one single human on this planet who has felt like you world have tested her. In fact more than the most. My year began by continuing to be incredibly ill with both cancer and anorexia combined, I then got raped before January was even over and then the year continued to present me with further struggles splitting what could have potentially been a great future relationship from no fault of any parties just confusion and mental trauma, authorities who didn’t look after me when they should have resulting in more trauma to then feeling like there was no way out and becoming mentally unwell, to more recently with further medical and legal struggles….tipping me over the edge once again not wanting to continue life at all. World, I am one single human on this planet who has had an absolute shit load to go through in the space of twelve months and yes, yes right now world I feel angry, bitter at you! I feel sorry for myself and utterly at my end but I am not willing to have you, this negativity or this upset pull other people to this point EVER.

This is where my letter World defers a little to those reading into our personal chat… This is where I address this part of my letter to the many on this planet who are struggling, continue to struggle and need that support and understanding. To those reading this, hello! You don’t need to know my name if you’re reading this without knowing who I am but what I do ask is that you please read and listen to what I have got to say. For those who don’t know my story, what I’ve been through and what my life has entailed, I’d like to think they’d know no different. This year, when focusing on all of the negatives seem like it has been the worst for sure, as I’m sure may be the same for the many of you! But I ask you now to please, read and listen.

Firstly, I’d like to reassure you that things WILL get better. No matter how terribly horrible they seem right now, whether I make it through this next week, weeks, year or few years, I can promise you that they will because they simply have to. I also ask that you trust me when I tell you that nobody can change that, nobody but YOU! I share my negative year with the fact that I can equally counteract it with my positives. My year has been awfully horrendous yes but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had some amazing things happen as well. I have indeed had some incredible acting jobs and begun to work again, I have travelled to see one of my closest over in Hong Kong, I got approached to publish my book, I have helped hundreds of young people and performed to even more. I have made new friends, gained trust and friendships with some stunning people and met even more amazing humans from the traumas whilst by some miracle raising the £4,000 for me to be able to look into and begin the process of freezing my eggs to one day have a family. I also realise that no matter how bad things are, no matter how bad they seem or how ‘on your own’ you feel….you are NEVER EVER alone!

It would be so easy, in fact it is so easy to forget these positives when you’re at your lowest point I get that believe me. When time and time again this ‘world’ kicks you mentally and physically in the face. When you loose the people closest and things that mean everything to you but may I ask you something? Can you for just one second stop and look around at the beauty. Look at the smallest thing….that weird mark on the wall that if you look close enough is a shape of something you recognise, the fact that the feather, dust or bit of a dandelion is falling slowly, possibly in time to the song in your head. The wind, rain or sun on your face. The feeling of warmth falling down your cheeks from your eyes. Yes – even in tears there is beauty! The beauty that you’re able to feel, the fact that you can cry if you need to and that there is always someone willing to grab you, hold you and tell you that everything will be okay. The capability to speak and communicate in some way – whether that be speaking, blinking, looking, the vibration of a shake, the silent swallow or glazed glimpse in the ever so tired eye. Someone, somewhere and in some way WILL understand. I promise.

So world, I’m talking to you now and asking for us both. Can we please begin by injecting more beauty and love into the world? More kindness to each other? More consideration and understanding in that we all make mistakes, we all hurt people when we don’t mean to, we all aren’t perfect but can try to make you, us all, each other a little bit better? A little bit nicer? A little bit more tolerable for the many? It’s fact World, that all us humans living on you have negatives and positives to live through…good and bad but can I ask you….can you please help to make these; no matter how hard, just that little bit more beautiful?

XxX

Tour, titivation and tangled oppressive motiv…

Tour, titivation and tangled oppressive motiv…

So it is week three of a five week tour (including rehearsals) and I am among a group of strangers performing to thousands of young people and professionals with a devised show surrounding Hate Crime.

It’s during the times of research and with having the ability to spend the time looking into the Cumbria area that my,our, the company’s eyes really begin to open and see reality of such horrendous events.  The types of hate crime and segregate discontent amongst humans is beyond belief, the lack of knowledge and education in people around the world is incredibly vast and so very varied. It is in the Cumbria area, as we present verbatim pieces of language…stories, people’s lives that the horror of such violence, abuse, incredulous activity and actions come alive in physical form. It has been in some of the most under privileged schools where most questions have come about, the truthful nature of such British extreme groups and people among these ever so closed minded communities really comes out in the open.

It’s standard that when processing, rehearsing and especially starting on a new show that opinions and idealistic voices come out as to what and how much we believe to be true and commonly existent in our lives. The lives of our families, friends and those of strangers fed by our media; which is indeed a big point within our show. Especially surrounding the portrayal of Isis Vs Muslims. I have not really given myself the opportunity to debate as such, nor express certain things when speaking with others in order to simply ‘get out’  how I feel and the frustrations of the political and diabolical atmosphere around us all in this country…well, the world really. The horrendous decisions, lack of and horrifically terrifying laws and rules that new politicians shockingly believe to be a sound reality of living in ‘peace.’ The feedback at the end of this show will be somewhat exceptional, somewhat enormous I am sure and over these next two weeks I, we, us as a company will continue to take notes, give young people a voice and educate the generation before us about just how important making a difference and speaking out in this world really is……We continue! 🙂

 

 

Day seven to eleven – hope in the goodbyes.

Day seven to eleven – hope in the goodbyes.

What this place has taught me is that life really can be beautiful! Spirituality and love in life really do exist and that happiness can indeed be found in all sorts of places and settings. It’s funny how when you don’t really know how or what to think about something then it’s easy to immediately jump to the fear aspect and quintessential point that everything seems scary and somewhat unnerving. Reality is that it’s not – at all! In fact, far from and hugely removed from such thoughts.

I’m currently in transit from Bangkok to Amman and I can honestly say that I am unsure as to how I’m really feeling about going back in the return directions instead of the other. Especially given right now, the referendum vote is occurring and let’s just say it’s really not looking great.  It’s definitely not the same as when I left and that’s only in eleven days! You come so far along, learn to get excited for the ‘next’ and then it hits harder on return. If I’m totally honest, I think that the fact that I am unsure as to what may occur next seems to be the problem. However, I catch myself each time mid-thinking and remind myself that I actually do not now what may occur and that’s okay. To be here, alive for me is a miracle, therefore what’s to say that here on will not be another magnificent beauty of an adventure.

I realise every time that I travel somewhere new, just how much I want to go and see new places even more. The culture, life, way of living and the unique mannerisms that belong to each country, city or town. Each time I visit another, a part of my heart gets captured, completely encapsulated – engulfed by the distinct qualities of the humans I encounter, moments that I experience – sights, sounds and smells. Those moments when it hits you, maybe more so me of just how lucky I am to be living, let alone with the ability to touch, feel, smell and absorb such incredible beauty in another part of the world we live.

I do not and shall not ever understand those who say that they do not want to travel or see the world – to just stay in one place and not open themselves up to others. I’m not saying that every country is for everyone, not at all. What I will stick by though is that people do not know until they try! I know for a fact that I have been both pleasantly surprised and equally not so, with the  most unexpected of places. Again – you don’t know until you go and see! Don’t really have any evidence to place any sort of ‘factually based’ thoughts on anything or anyone as such unless you really do go and put yourselves in their shoes. I genuinally have this theory that a lot of this arrogance and ‘unwillingness’ to go and see other cultures and values is due to fear. The thing that drives all irrational. Since these last six months, I have been one of the most exceptionally anxious and nervous of people but I am thankfully so self-aware from experiencing what I have, that I know what to do in order to help myself. I did it, rather than shying away and hoping things would just mend themselves.

Reality is that I still have a long way to go till my medical and physical restrictions are answered. I have a long way till the bad is somehow closed and resolved. I definitely still have a while till my growth and finalised decisions of whether I will one day be able to be a mother is answered. Right now, I reassess. Having time away in some place else is somewhat more idyllic in a new environment removed from such closed opinions and detrimental circles of life choices and options leading to obscene opinions.

Positives!

I ask myself. Question. If I am not a mother biologically by no choice of my own, is this the end of the world? If I’m in recovery and that bit heavier, happy then is this really such a terrible thing? If I don’t feel comfortable in one place and need to travel, what the heck is wrong with that?! If I start looking out for myself instead of purposely regarding others continually before my own needs, does this really make me a bad person? No, no and another two ‘no’s,’ Am I actually alright being me and true to myself? Am I doing right in putting my all into living my life the way want – pursuing acting, writing and helping others? Making sure happiness comes first! Am I making the right decision to make myself the healthiest I can be? Will my life be easier the more I focus on these things? Yes, yes and another two ‘yes’.’

The fact, the truest quote and thing that will always be the way I live my life is that ‘life is for living!’ When you have faced mortality right in the chops so much in your life – for me fourteen, eighteen, twenty three, five and then twenty six, well I can tell you that is most definitely five times more than wanted with the added affirmation that I really should be here! I feel like a cat only I don’t wish to risk it anymore to the nine lives. Maybe I’ll stick with the Asian theory and be true to my Chinese birth year and be the horse with five lives instead. Follow the Buddhist theory of focusing on the now and continually look for the beauty and peace in whatever part of the world I’m in, person I come in contact with and experience I  encounter. Life really is beautiful – so I’ll end just with one last request. To all, I tell you, ask you and request that you please just live your life, observe the beauty – experience it, embrace it and look beyond the bad, the ugly and the damn silly idealisms of certain figures within our society. We are all human, we are all the same….we are all the people that make up this beautiful world!

X

 

Days five to seven. Kennedy town, Kowloon Peak, the sun and the ladies.

Days five to seven. Kennedy town, Kowloon Peak, the sun and the ladies.

18/6/16

When you have views like this one, you definitely cannot ignore it The stunning landscape of Kennedy Town harbour, the sunshine and the fact that I was prompted to move my sorry ass out of the flat and into doing something for me that I would like. As anyone does and would have, I’m not really having the greatest of days mentally today. I have been confused, feeling rather unnerved at the time difference to be able to speak to those I need and have failed at being able to forget the events that I have attemped to remove myself from. Now, I’m not saying that I expected this trip to answer what had been going on back at home – not at all. In fact, not even remotely. Just that I really needed to try and figure out what my brain needs to know in order to move forward and help not only myself but others in my life also. Work has been mentally busy recently which don’t get me wrong has been pretty incredible given that I have had to have so long out, but definitely has helped with personal circumstance – especially awaiting the financial gain and living on barely nothing whilst travelling up and down the country. I actually rather needed this break to say the least. Also, the need to reconnect with a very dear friend.

It’s very rare that I actually open up fully to anyone about everything but it’s in situations such as the other night that I find myself working my brain out as well as vocally releasing. A lot of my self-discovery and growth comes from being totally removed.For those who have followed my story previous to now, well you are aware of why a lot of people were hesitant of my last minute ‘fleet’, quite a lot of them rather concerned. However, when you know what it is that you need in order to move forward and not make the same silly-ass mistakes, then you listen to yourself, your heart combined with that of you mind.

 By now, the sun is setting on what has been a day of beauty and further self-discovery. Love, looking and life. Another day as to why I am here ending in relaxation, natural beauty and another side of this magnificent world in which we live. People are so quick to make judgement, hasty remarks and silly, unknown comments about societies and places that they have never even experienced. I am just one of the many who don’t however. Who instead of judging, end up looking. Who instead of hiding, go out and do the finding. Who instead of sitting, feeling as if the world owes me a living, goes out the see what the world actually has to offer and what I can give it back. I speak to people who don’t speak my language but instead, communicate with half-spoken phrases; partly gesticular, partly eye contact and sounds. It’s as I vocalise and gesture the word ‘beautiful’, overlooking the sunset whilst sat next to an elderly Hong Konger gentleman over a cigarette and a can of some sort of drink that we smile that all-so-mutual smile of kindness and knowing. We are simply two very different people, experiencing the same moment but with two totally different lives….he squeezes my hand, smiles, then lets go and continues to sit in silence. and that my friends, to me, is the definition of ‘beautiful!’

20/06/16

I am typically one of those people who over analyses a lot. Today, I went up to the Peak on the tram and am now sitting in the ever so peaceful hub of the Zoological and Botanical gardens which are incredibly tranquil. I watch a little boy playing within this beautiful space, an inordinate kind of ‘ray’ transcending from him and it fills my heart with joy as he runs freely looking a the frogs giving out the loudest sound in the park with their ‘ribbets.’ I watch a beautiful young woman do a three part run through of repetitive yoga exercises and I feel the wonderful, calming vibe flowing from her and to our corner.

I feel safe here, at peace and like I belong. Nothing but calmness and tranquility, nature and natural love. I have ‘me time’ finally and with no one but myself to please. I am happy, I feel content and like I am finally beginning to make strides in my career!

21/06/16

Meetings over here are peculiar. I met at central with a gentleman from the agency over here to pass on some drafts, then we had a follow up meeting over Skype….in the park. Mental! This gentleman is a Buddhist it turns out, he is interested in my story when in actual fact, I would rather hear about his and more about the country. We end up agreeing that I begin a short series of extracts on that of women and how they act and behave with line to motherhood, women’s rights and the comparison of Asian culture Vs Western. I explain my fascination with the fact that mothers don’t appear to have much of a bond with their children due to them being nannied six out of seven days of the week. What struck me on Sunday, was the amount of Phillipeno women who were around Kowloon Park – not just a few, not quite a lot….hundreds!! Sunday is their only day off, so they make the most of getting out – to anywhere! It sounds horrifically sad and I am sure to us Westerners, feels far too strange and abnormal in comparison to our lives. It hits when I was told how a lot of how these ladies have their communities – way of living and that they all bring food, music, games and skills to share with each other as well as prayer and hope. In a sad way, I actually equally find it rather beautiful as reality is, their life now is obviously one that is far better than what they had or have at least come from. To gain this safety and with the personal ability to make the most of their kind of ‘now.’ It’s at times llike these, when I’m sitting and thinking that I begin to realise just how beautiful life really is. I often wonder how people in one place may simply conform to society and also that of their own closed minds. Especially with the undesirability to travel out of their own ‘box.’ I would not be the woman I am now had I now experienced all of the places I have. Nor would these ladies have a better life has they simply stuck to where they lived previous and not taken the brave venture away despite their potential single day off in a  week schedule. I think maybe that’s it really. Opening yourself up, making your own kind of ‘box.’ Living as you and finding out what and from where makes YOU happy!

X

 

Movement, laughter and lots of writing…

Movement, laughter and lots of writing…

The visionary complication of life hitting you in the stomach or mind at some of the most unexpected of times is less than ideal. It’s whilst speaking about my writing to strangers that it becomes comfortably apparent of just how much easier speaking of yourself; your tale is when there’s an immediate purpose that isn’t just about the actual illness or process of what you’ve been through.

It was sitting at the wheel of my driving instructor’s car in my driving lesson that I began to realise as the words were flowing from my mouth, just how much had changed in the single year. The amount of dramatic turns, happiness and unpredictability that had occurred in only 365 days of living. People joke about the fact that they would like themselves featured in a chapter of my book which is often rather amusing as a lot of my writing, my unprecedented chapters filled with stories and adventurous tales actually, inadvertently are! It was whilst sat in this vehicle that I felt a single pang of excitement for what was upcoming this week. I was actually going to be living without even initially realising it…as an sctor with an ‘actor’s life!’ I, Little Miss 26 year old Northerner Fighter Chops pixieface am going to be living the dream over this next week doing what I have worked so damn hard to do – ACT! Write! Perform! Travel! I have been, am and will be living my life as an actor! Hurrah! *joyful clapping occurs*

It is with this single smile that plasters itself across my face that I have to bring myself back down to earth a little bit. I remember that I am actually in fact sat on the little broken chair at the side of my very good friend’s stall which admittedly sells rather ridiculously garish, five-pound England, London or anything generally UK-based gifts. It is observing these stalls that I also take note of the verbalised wails of said ‘buskers’ below, these fellow performers – good ole’ ‘Barry’ le’ resident opera singer, The beauty of ‘Emma’ who sings much more stunningly and the odd violinest….all, like myself selling their soul and doing what they work so hard for to earn any form of income and not conform to the mundane corporate world we are unintentionally forced to be in.

It’s personally one of the most fascinating things sat in the hustle and bustle getting my thoughts out to paper as they wheel around in my head. In fact, I’d rather like to add that it makes me take in this atmospheric ‘hustle and bustle’ all the more intently. As seven o’clock draws nearer, the people turn from families and children into young couples, lovers and foreign tourists who are spell-bound by such an interesting and dynamic exterior of quirky shops, performers, unique people and beautiful sounds. I remember my mother and father bringing me to Covent Garden as a little girl and then similarly doing a mirrored trip with school, knowing that it would be a dream to live in such a crazy and exciting life. The raised roofs filled with decor at christmas time and the obscure toy shops that seemed so very different from the standard Peacocks and B-wise back in my little Northern town. The difference in culture – HUGE! The amount of people – enormously more large and yet so ridiculously fascinating. At eight, then again at fourteen or so hobbling around or being pushed in my wheelchair, I would never have expected to have ever had this dream come true. Be living in a place of dreams, in such a massive city, away from the closed nature of my birthplace, following my craft and doing what I loved and still very  much love!

I would like to make the small point that at this stage….this single, poignant moment my little assed life, I am in fact-finding the spontaneity of not knowing what might go on in my life rather wonderful. The fact that tomorrow, I shall be shooting my book cover with the incredible Tommy Reynolds (Check out his stuff – it’s pretty darn epic! https://www.facebook.com/tommyreynoldsphotography), the day after I prep for a recall and the finals of Leicester’s Monologue Slam, the next two days travel back and pack up, audition and later….in just under a week, I shall be finding myself in Hong Kong not knowing what the heck may happen! The bad ass ‘unknown.’ The fear. Excitement attached to the fear. The worry from the masses huslting and bustling around me who also hold these same emotions to the unplanned part of life. The adrenaline of not knowing who, what or where their life, my life may lead!

Bring it on I say!

S x