A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility
Fill (someone) with anger; provoke anger in.
Anger. An emotion that jars ever so strongly in my head and heart. A feeling that I have held deep inside me for the most of my life, scared of the wrath and aftermath if released. It has been since having my operation and awaiting the last results from my bloods and cervix that the anger inside me has raised it’s little head ever so slightly and at points rather strongly. I can’t excuse the fact that it’s made me into some venomous female at times. I have indeed vented at the poor soul that has taken me into his home whilst I recover and to help me to get away. I have vented and ‘popped’ at times when the anger has pushed through and in my hated mind not been able to stop it from seeping out.
I am blessed. This human, as the other few who are close enough to me to understand my life – the past and what I have been through; the process of recovery and just how hard it is mentally, understands and allows it. I speak to my therapist and there are many tears that flow and roll down my cheeks as she tells me that everything I am feeling is okay. I explain that my eating disorder head is trying to push through the more I try to fight this horrible sense of anger that creeps out so very strongly and she, this wonderful lady…a beautiful example of someone who is exceptional at their job reminds me that ‘it’s okay.’ I am ‘okay’ and not ‘mental’ like I describe. That this….the writing, the reflection and the ability to be so aware of how I am feeling is brilliant and perfectly ‘okay’. That I should just ‘allow myself to feel’, ‘allow myself to be’ and ‘sit with it.’
I can’t say that it’s easy. I am struggling daily at the minute and to different extremes in a pattern of ups and downs. I struggle to sit in one place and also in an area that I don’t know all to well and there are symptoms as part of the physical recovery combined with the unknown of waiting for my cancer markers and results coming back that fills my mind with nothing less than the black mist and haze that feels ever so heavy and scary. I didn’t realise that recovery was going to be this hard. I didn’t realise that this part was going to bring back old mental battles; naively imagining that once it was all physically out and over, then these might disappear as well. Don’t get me wrong, these dips in my mood have become less. I know it has been longer in between the last one and now and also that my ability to deal with them is getting better. However, this time I’m struggling. I know I have been through a bunch of ‘trouble’ and ‘major events’ more recently as some say that will be contributing to my mind being so unsettled and irrational. I know that this will pass. I know that I will feel better. I know that the two year anniversary of the rape is next week and it’s on my mind. That the results will more than likely come at the same time and that also, I am allowed to feel all these things in both positive and negative correlation. I keep on keeping on. I have to. I need to. I do not know if this will get easier. I do not know if my mind with become more settled or whether it will stay like it is now or change daily and eventually ease off. All of it….the unknown. I try to allow myself to be…to feel and try not to punish myself for doing so. I talk…I keep communicating to the soul living in such close proximity and I breathe. I breathe, I keep mindful and I allow myself to simply feel. I remind myself that feeling IS okay. Recovery is indeed a process but that it is….more than anything, possible and that I will, eventually get there!
Dogs. So many energetic and happy dogs, splashing with absolutely no worries in the sea that is just below where I am sitting on the hill.
The last few days have been a hazy mist of both anxiety and worry as to if, what or how much of what I am experiencing at this moment in time is ‘real.’ The fact that I am living in a converted van on the beach front, in nice company, currently feeling (physically) rather well and refreshed, able to eat and feel alright about it and mostly, be able to sit and allow myself to do ‘nothing’. Okay so arguably, the ‘nothing’ isn’t really that as such. I have indeed been applying for jobs, answering emails, writing my book and editing it the best that I can for now. I have been attempting to learn new skills – new tunes on the ukulele and also accents to further my acting career that have been helping me from going insane whilst recovering from major surgery. Okay, so maybe it’s not ‘nothing’, maybe I am doing ‘things’; it’s just a case of allowing myself to do them without feeling guilty.
If I’m honest, I’ve always been a lass with the incapability to sit and just ‘be.’ To allow myself to sit and physically not move much. Or to eat as some might describe as ‘normally.’ It’s in this whole ‘recovery process’ that self-care and acceptance is hugely key. I have to learn to allow myself to ‘sit’ and equally not feel ‘bad’ about doing so. To allow myself to take in the beauty of the earth just like I see it, right now, in front of my two eyes and to then believe that I DO actually deserve this – with or without cancer being a part of my life! To invest truly in the belief that the world is as equally beautiful and that it is able to offer me opportunities that may potentially open up into more beauty and love in the world.
So, I sit. On my little grubby wooden pallet in the field next to Reubs who is planting new trees and I watch the dogs. I listen to the seagulls, the splashing of their four feet, the shouting of their owners and I giggle at how naughty some of them are being. I take in the energy and warmth from the sun which is a nice relief to that of the crisp air and I allow myself to feel the beauty. I allow myself to accept that I AM entitled to feel every single, wonderful feeling that I encounter momentarily in my heart and that this, all of this, really is REAL!
I often wonder what sort of a life a person or human ‘think’ they deserve. What they feel they deserve….or what their life even is and if it’s enough to fulfil their own ‘want’ or ‘need.’
It was today when going on a rather long and brisk walk around my new ‘back garden’ that I realised just what my life is as of now and what I thought I needed. What I maybe assumed I needed anyway and just how different the two were.
I stood there. I stood there and I took in the remarkable view. The colours, the sea, the sound of seagulls, the heat from my breath and sharpness of the wind and I breathed. It hit my chest hard but brought me back to the now of living in the moment. Seeing the world as it is and admiring just how beautiful and brilliant the world around me really was….is. There’s a part of me that feels a little amount of anxiety, the ‘am I actually allowed to feel this good?’ and the ‘is this view actually in front of my eyes?’ It comes to the front of my mind and I realise that I am. I try and separate the ’emotional mind’ from the ‘reasonable mind’ into that of the ‘wise.’ I try and allow myself to just ‘be’ and take it all in. The main part of this process to begin to love myself and the world around me without doubt and fear.
It was a six hour trip (nearly) yesterday that took myself to this destination. The destination that Uzo the Merc Sprinter triumphed in! On arrival the overwhelming fear of ‘what the f**k is this place?’ and the ‘am I going to die?’ To the settled belief that actually what was in front of my eyes was real, that people did come to stay here and have their little holidays on the coast from time to time and that the amount of information given was actually true and real. That all of this was not actually some falsified vision and that sometimes to ‘land on your feet’ is just what happens!
It was then. At this point that the ‘settling’ began. The calm arrived. The hope began to appear slightly and the worry fade ever so gently. It was a conversation just the day before with my mother about fear for all things new that pushed me to not give into the anxiety around this journey. The constant ‘I will do this’ and ‘I won’t give in to what people think I’ll do.’ I guess a certain amount of stubbornness. As ever, illness has been an ever present part of my little journey so far. To not bring it with me in the van and so far away from home as part of my ‘safety blanket’ was and is ever so alien. Scary. I worry that I might get sick whilst away then realise it’s an irrational worry that might always be there somewhere once hitting remission. I then do the ‘get your shit together Soph, you’re fine and well and not poorly at all. Even the tonsillitis and infection is lifting and for that….be grateful!’ Nothing more than grateful. It’s so easy to forget these simple things…the ability to feel well. To be well. To take the simple and basic things in life for what they are. Just ‘life.’ To not fear them or worry and to grab them in our arms through to our souls, hearts and embrace them.
For this. For today I thank the world. I sit. I appreciate some more and I look forward to the little things. The homemade lip balm on my lips. The bitter John Smiths. The cooking that is about to come of foods that I would never have allowed into my body before. The simple. The little. The love. The hope. The wonder. The world that is actually my life and I remain excited about the unknown. The tomorrow that will be!
LMFC ❤ XxX
So, 2017 has gone, we’ve waved goodbye to the good and bad of the last year, realised that it’s 2018! It’s a new one folks and yes, for myself a VERY newly resorted and hopefully healed Soph! With this comes my travel blog that raises it’s face a little less than my others and also with a nifty new Instagram account alongside it (LMFC.Recovers) My next round of posts follow on after my Hong Kong and ‘Hate Crime’ adventures, which was a long while back – yes but yet, this time round we are once again on another positive adventure (that admittedly makes me feel a little outside my comfort zone with a certain amount of anxiety, yet also a huge amount of excitement and optimism!)
This time, my blog will be of my travels as were my last little posts (alongside the Vlogging I did.) Only this time, the focus is on eating disorder recovery – cooking new meals and taking care of my body healthily and full of self-love discovery whilst on the road. It follows me and my little self on the rusty roads down to Dorset which will cover (at least) the next two months in a beautifully restored bright yellow Mercedes Sprinter (completed by an absolute gem) and living what some might know as ‘the van life.’ In this time away from the world, I shall be finishing my book, totally absorbing myself into everything creative, working on self-love and most importantly finishing my recovery! I will quite possibly be ‘off-the-grid’, you will more than likely see very little of me but I’ll be existing and posting the best I can. I’ll be ready. SO ready to take on this adventure and live life finally for me, figuring out what life really is supposed to be about free; away from a mind absorbed with post-traumatic stress, mental health issues and hard-ass illness for a while…hopefully to see me into the rest of my life. I will learn how be healthy. How to live healthy. Properly healthy and most importantly; my main aim. My main goal in life that I am still yet to live and feel…the ability to be truly, truly….HAPPY! ❤ xx