A letter of hope to the world….

A letter of hope to the world….

Dear world,

I wanted to write you a letter to speak openly of how I’m feeling about you and how this last year has seemed for the many of us. A letter of hope really to people out there who maybe feel like life isn’t worth living, to the masses who need everyday support – some days more than most, people who have had bad news – grief, loss, hurt and deep set damage; physically and mentally…people like myself who feel like they’ve been beaten from pillar to post from incredible amounts of trauma and unfortunate circumstance.

This year; 2016 has been incredibly difficult to say the least for the majority. One that has been full of death…loss for those extremely close to me and those that bit further, some particular strangers known by names. A year of extreme violence and political harm and hatred. A year of segregation and deprivation, anger and hurt. A mix of negativity and emotional struggle for many a human living on this planet.

I ask the question world – is this what we have to live with? Is this negativity what we’re supposed to focus on and keep dwelling on to carry on mentally tying so many people down? Are we not allowed hope? Positivity? Happiness? I am well aware that a lot of these circumstances are both in and out of our control as humans living on this earth. I’m equally aware that a lot of the time, we cannot really change other people’s lives either or the way in which society is conformed but what I do know is that every single person on this planet has the incredible ability to love.

I am one single human on this planet who has felt like you world have tested her. In fact more than the most. My year began by continuing to be incredibly ill with both cancer and anorexia combined, I then got raped before January was even over and then the year continued to present me with further struggles splitting what could have potentially been a great future relationship from no fault of any parties just confusion and mental trauma, authorities who didn’t look after me when they should have resulting in more trauma to then feeling like there was no way out and becoming mentally unwell, to more recently with further medical and legal struggles….tipping me over the edge once again not wanting to continue life at all. World, I am one single human on this planet who has had an absolute shit load to go through in the space of twelve months and yes, yes right now world I feel angry, bitter at you! I feel sorry for myself and utterly at my end but I am not willing to have you, this negativity or this upset pull other people to this point EVER.

This is where my letter World defers a little to those reading into our personal chat… This is where I address this part of my letter to the many on this planet who are struggling, continue to struggle and need that support and understanding. To those reading this, hello! You don’t need to know my name if you’re reading this without knowing who I am but what I do ask is that you please read and listen to what I have got to say. For those who don’t know my story, what I’ve been through and what my life has entailed, I’d like to think they’d know no different. This year, when focusing on all of the negatives seem like it has been the worst for sure, as I’m sure may be the same for the many of you! But I ask you now to please, read and listen.

Firstly, I’d like to reassure you that things WILL get better. No matter how terribly horrible they seem right now, whether I make it through this next week, weeks, year or few years, I can promise you that they will because they simply have to. I also ask that you trust me when I tell you that nobody can change that, nobody but YOU! I share my negative year with the fact that I can equally counteract it with my positives. My year has been awfully horrendous yes but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had some amazing things happen as well. I have indeed had some incredible acting jobs and begun to work again, I have travelled to see one of my closest over in Hong Kong, I got approached to publish my book, I have helped hundreds of young people and performed to even more. I have made new friends, gained trust and friendships with some stunning people and met even more amazing humans from the traumas whilst by some miracle raising the £4,000 for me to be able to look into and begin the process of freezing my eggs to one day have a family. I also realise that no matter how bad things are, no matter how bad they seem or how ‘on your own’ you feel….you are NEVER EVER alone!

It would be so easy, in fact it is so easy to forget these positives when you’re at your lowest point I get that believe me. When time and time again this ‘world’ kicks you mentally and physically in the face. When you loose the people closest and things that mean everything to you but may I ask you something? Can you for just one second stop and look around at the beauty. Look at the smallest thing….that weird mark on the wall that if you look close enough is a shape of something you recognise, the fact that the feather, dust or bit of a dandelion is falling slowly, possibly in time to the song in your head. The wind, rain or sun on your face. The feeling of warmth falling down your cheeks from your eyes. Yes – even in tears there is beauty! The beauty that you’re able to feel, the fact that you can cry if you need to and that there is always someone willing to grab you, hold you and tell you that everything will be okay. The capability to speak and communicate in some way – whether that be speaking, blinking, looking, the vibration of a shake, the silent swallow or glazed glimpse in the ever so tired eye. Someone, somewhere and in some way WILL understand. I promise.

So world, I’m talking to you now and asking for us both. Can we please begin by injecting more beauty and love into the world? More kindness to each other? More consideration and understanding in that we all make mistakes, we all hurt people when we don’t mean to, we all aren’t perfect but can try to make you, us all, each other a little bit better? A little bit nicer? A little bit more tolerable for the many? It’s fact World, that all us humans living on you have negatives and positives to live through…good and bad but can I ask you….can you please help to make these; no matter how hard, just that little bit more beautiful?

XxX

Advertisements

Day seven to eleven – hope in the goodbyes.

Day seven to eleven – hope in the goodbyes.

What this place has taught me is that life really can be beautiful! Spirituality and love in life really do exist and that happiness can indeed be found in all sorts of places and settings. It’s funny how when you don’t really know how or what to think about something then it’s easy to immediately jump to the fear aspect and quintessential point that everything seems scary and somewhat unnerving. Reality is that it’s not – at all! In fact, far from and hugely removed from such thoughts.

I’m currently in transit from Bangkok to Amman and I can honestly say that I am unsure as to how I’m really feeling about going back in the return directions instead of the other. Especially given right now, the referendum vote is occurring and let’s just say it’s really not looking great.  It’s definitely not the same as when I left and that’s only in eleven days! You come so far along, learn to get excited for the ‘next’ and then it hits harder on return. If I’m totally honest, I think that the fact that I am unsure as to what may occur next seems to be the problem. However, I catch myself each time mid-thinking and remind myself that I actually do not now what may occur and that’s okay. To be here, alive for me is a miracle, therefore what’s to say that here on will not be another magnificent beauty of an adventure.

I realise every time that I travel somewhere new, just how much I want to go and see new places even more. The culture, life, way of living and the unique mannerisms that belong to each country, city or town. Each time I visit another, a part of my heart gets captured, completely encapsulated – engulfed by the distinct qualities of the humans I encounter, moments that I experience – sights, sounds and smells. Those moments when it hits you, maybe more so me of just how lucky I am to be living, let alone with the ability to touch, feel, smell and absorb such incredible beauty in another part of the world we live.

I do not and shall not ever understand those who say that they do not want to travel or see the world – to just stay in one place and not open themselves up to others. I’m not saying that every country is for everyone, not at all. What I will stick by though is that people do not know until they try! I know for a fact that I have been both pleasantly surprised and equally not so, with the  most unexpected of places. Again – you don’t know until you go and see! Don’t really have any evidence to place any sort of ‘factually based’ thoughts on anything or anyone as such unless you really do go and put yourselves in their shoes. I genuinally have this theory that a lot of this arrogance and ‘unwillingness’ to go and see other cultures and values is due to fear. The thing that drives all irrational. Since these last six months, I have been one of the most exceptionally anxious and nervous of people but I am thankfully so self-aware from experiencing what I have, that I know what to do in order to help myself. I did it, rather than shying away and hoping things would just mend themselves.

Reality is that I still have a long way to go till my medical and physical restrictions are answered. I have a long way till the bad is somehow closed and resolved. I definitely still have a while till my growth and finalised decisions of whether I will one day be able to be a mother is answered. Right now, I reassess. Having time away in some place else is somewhat more idyllic in a new environment removed from such closed opinions and detrimental circles of life choices and options leading to obscene opinions.

Positives!

I ask myself. Question. If I am not a mother biologically by no choice of my own, is this the end of the world? If I’m in recovery and that bit heavier, happy then is this really such a terrible thing? If I don’t feel comfortable in one place and need to travel, what the heck is wrong with that?! If I start looking out for myself instead of purposely regarding others continually before my own needs, does this really make me a bad person? No, no and another two ‘no’s,’ Am I actually alright being me and true to myself? Am I doing right in putting my all into living my life the way want – pursuing acting, writing and helping others? Making sure happiness comes first! Am I making the right decision to make myself the healthiest I can be? Will my life be easier the more I focus on these things? Yes, yes and another two ‘yes’.’

The fact, the truest quote and thing that will always be the way I live my life is that ‘life is for living!’ When you have faced mortality right in the chops so much in your life – for me fourteen, eighteen, twenty three, five and then twenty six, well I can tell you that is most definitely five times more than wanted with the added affirmation that I really should be here! I feel like a cat only I don’t wish to risk it anymore to the nine lives. Maybe I’ll stick with the Asian theory and be true to my Chinese birth year and be the horse with five lives instead. Follow the Buddhist theory of focusing on the now and continually look for the beauty and peace in whatever part of the world I’m in, person I come in contact with and experience I  encounter. Life really is beautiful – so I’ll end just with one last request. To all, I tell you, ask you and request that you please just live your life, observe the beauty – experience it, embrace it and look beyond the bad, the ugly and the damn silly idealisms of certain figures within our society. We are all human, we are all the same….we are all the people that make up this beautiful world!

X

 

Days five to seven. Kennedy town, Kowloon Peak, the sun and the ladies.

Days five to seven. Kennedy town, Kowloon Peak, the sun and the ladies.

18/6/16

When you have views like this one, you definitely cannot ignore it The stunning landscape of Kennedy Town harbour, the sunshine and the fact that I was prompted to move my sorry ass out of the flat and into doing something for me that I would like. As anyone does and would have, I’m not really having the greatest of days mentally today. I have been confused, feeling rather unnerved at the time difference to be able to speak to those I need and have failed at being able to forget the events that I have attemped to remove myself from. Now, I’m not saying that I expected this trip to answer what had been going on back at home – not at all. In fact, not even remotely. Just that I really needed to try and figure out what my brain needs to know in order to move forward and help not only myself but others in my life also. Work has been mentally busy recently which don’t get me wrong has been pretty incredible given that I have had to have so long out, but definitely has helped with personal circumstance – especially awaiting the financial gain and living on barely nothing whilst travelling up and down the country. I actually rather needed this break to say the least. Also, the need to reconnect with a very dear friend.

It’s very rare that I actually open up fully to anyone about everything but it’s in situations such as the other night that I find myself working my brain out as well as vocally releasing. A lot of my self-discovery and growth comes from being totally removed.For those who have followed my story previous to now, well you are aware of why a lot of people were hesitant of my last minute ‘fleet’, quite a lot of them rather concerned. However, when you know what it is that you need in order to move forward and not make the same silly-ass mistakes, then you listen to yourself, your heart combined with that of you mind.

 By now, the sun is setting on what has been a day of beauty and further self-discovery. Love, looking and life. Another day as to why I am here ending in relaxation, natural beauty and another side of this magnificent world in which we live. People are so quick to make judgement, hasty remarks and silly, unknown comments about societies and places that they have never even experienced. I am just one of the many who don’t however. Who instead of judging, end up looking. Who instead of hiding, go out and do the finding. Who instead of sitting, feeling as if the world owes me a living, goes out the see what the world actually has to offer and what I can give it back. I speak to people who don’t speak my language but instead, communicate with half-spoken phrases; partly gesticular, partly eye contact and sounds. It’s as I vocalise and gesture the word ‘beautiful’, overlooking the sunset whilst sat next to an elderly Hong Konger gentleman over a cigarette and a can of some sort of drink that we smile that all-so-mutual smile of kindness and knowing. We are simply two very different people, experiencing the same moment but with two totally different lives….he squeezes my hand, smiles, then lets go and continues to sit in silence. and that my friends, to me, is the definition of ‘beautiful!’

20/06/16

I am typically one of those people who over analyses a lot. Today, I went up to the Peak on the tram and am now sitting in the ever so peaceful hub of the Zoological and Botanical gardens which are incredibly tranquil. I watch a little boy playing within this beautiful space, an inordinate kind of ‘ray’ transcending from him and it fills my heart with joy as he runs freely looking a the frogs giving out the loudest sound in the park with their ‘ribbets.’ I watch a beautiful young woman do a three part run through of repetitive yoga exercises and I feel the wonderful, calming vibe flowing from her and to our corner.

I feel safe here, at peace and like I belong. Nothing but calmness and tranquility, nature and natural love. I have ‘me time’ finally and with no one but myself to please. I am happy, I feel content and like I am finally beginning to make strides in my career!

21/06/16

Meetings over here are peculiar. I met at central with a gentleman from the agency over here to pass on some drafts, then we had a follow up meeting over Skype….in the park. Mental! This gentleman is a Buddhist it turns out, he is interested in my story when in actual fact, I would rather hear about his and more about the country. We end up agreeing that I begin a short series of extracts on that of women and how they act and behave with line to motherhood, women’s rights and the comparison of Asian culture Vs Western. I explain my fascination with the fact that mothers don’t appear to have much of a bond with their children due to them being nannied six out of seven days of the week. What struck me on Sunday, was the amount of Phillipeno women who were around Kowloon Park – not just a few, not quite a lot….hundreds!! Sunday is their only day off, so they make the most of getting out – to anywhere! It sounds horrifically sad and I am sure to us Westerners, feels far too strange and abnormal in comparison to our lives. It hits when I was told how a lot of how these ladies have their communities – way of living and that they all bring food, music, games and skills to share with each other as well as prayer and hope. In a sad way, I actually equally find it rather beautiful as reality is, their life now is obviously one that is far better than what they had or have at least come from. To gain this safety and with the personal ability to make the most of their kind of ‘now.’ It’s at times llike these, when I’m sitting and thinking that I begin to realise just how beautiful life really is. I often wonder how people in one place may simply conform to society and also that of their own closed minds. Especially with the undesirability to travel out of their own ‘box.’ I would not be the woman I am now had I now experienced all of the places I have. Nor would these ladies have a better life has they simply stuck to where they lived previous and not taken the brave venture away despite their potential single day off in a  week schedule. I think maybe that’s it really. Opening yourself up, making your own kind of ‘box.’ Living as you and finding out what and from where makes YOU happy!

X

 

Day three and four – Hong Kong park and the day of proper ‘work’…

Day three and four – Hong Kong park and the day of proper ‘work’…

15/06/2016

Five colours – blue, yellow, black, green and red. Guess what they represent?! Oh, that was an indirect question by the way. If we could do Hangman then I’d definitely be up for playing right now. However, as it happens, I’m sat on my own on the eleventh middle step in no other than the Olympic square in Hong Kong park. There’s the mix of birds chirping, crickets clicking and the distinct sound of building work in the background. Madness!

It was funny that when I decided to set out on this trip, I wanted to get away and forget all the things from the last few months back home with some time for me. I just felt it, knew it and most definitely wasn’t wrong in the fact that I needed it! The massive difference in coming away is the fact that I feel; for the first time in a very long time like it’s okay to relax, chill and not worry about a single thing. I can sleep (despite it being incredibly hot) and my body is actually allowing me to as well! Hurrah! I feel so incredibly at peace here, like nobody can disturb me and that the world is allowing me to finally rest – just wonderful!

I could have chosen to have rushed and gone to the Botanical and Zoological gardens but something inside me tells me to sit quietly here. I get asked if I can have a picture with a bride who’s getting married here and I feel like I’m some sort of unbeknownst celebrity! All because of my eyes and how blue they are apparently and the way I dress – I’d simply put on my comfortable baggies and scraped the hair back from my dripping face, so I actually feel quite flattered! I’m obviously one of the only young westerners here…

I still can’t quite believe how lovely everyone is here. SO kind natured, loving and giving. I feel so lucky to be sat here right now – shoes off, hair maybe scraped back but as me, totally and truly me. I feel so safe, like I belong and like I’m just supposed to be here in the moment right now. The rushing of waterfalls, the tweeting of birds, the safety of nature – utter bliss! It’s after I finish writing that I tend to loose my flow, switch off from this peace – worrying about the next. Fact is, I don’t have to, that’s not what life’s about at all – life’s about living, the beauty of right now.

One thing that strikes me about Hong Kong, the thing that I absolutely adore is the equality and joint respect that is given to both men and women. The kind nature of human beings and the feeling of being in a totally different culture but not threatened at all….tonight will be lovely, I will meet new people, reconnect with old friends and sit with strangers. Tonight I will do what I do best with one of the greatest friends in the world and his colleagues all from my past company…Boots.

 

16/06/16

Why am I writing two blog posts on one? I’ll tell you why. Last night as beautiful until I received an unfortunate call before bed, I spent till around 1pm this afternoon asleep and then have just done work for home and applications for acting work that’s come through.

The positive of today? I’m awake and still in my orange space. I speak to my very good friend over in Aus who is now only two hours difference from me – success! Tonight, I go and watch the football with a bunch of people and then I chill. Time to put the bad behind, enjoy the now and keep going. The day will get better, the night even more and tomorrow is a new day….that’s for sure! ^_^

Day 2: Mon Mo temple, Nan Lain Gardens with a little bit of Chi-lin nunnery

Day 2: Mon Mo temple, Nan Lain Gardens with a little bit of Chi-lin nunnery

I can’t quite take in the beauty of this place. The gardens are completely stunning! The contrast of beautiful nature vs that of vast skyscrapers is beyond belief. The echoing of soothing music around is pure bliss as the pottering takes place and I feel a sense of amazement and calmness. I am more than glad that I took the step to go that much further because this really is quite amazing! I’ve talked and spoken in various gambled phrases to the ladies in the glass exhibition, the gentleman at the timber place and can’t quite believe how kind and wonderfully friendly everyone is. It’s fresh, new and just….truly beautiful!

…It was when I came to the building after my walk around Nan Lain gardens to Chi-lin Nunnery that my mind was officially blown. It was the moment my heart; feelings turned from amber to green, ‘okay’ to great! Walking through, there were three women praying and a single gentleman who took his ever so rounded specs off each time and smiled after every worshiping point. I’ve always had this obsession with Asian culture. In fact, I used to make scrap book upon scrap book of projects, pictures and research into Japan, China, Buddhism and the temples, always being drawn to this form of spirituality, calm and peaceful way of living. Just perfect. I’m not religious but if I were and the more I look at the descriptions of what each Buddha stands for, the more I realise that I could quite easily fall into the Buddhist way of living an thinking. The tranquil stillness and intricate yet simple way of being in the ‘now.’ It’s pretty much all of what I am practicing right now. Taking note of the present, not forward or back…just now – giving, loving and listening.

Once back, I finish speaking to my partner and realise that I’ve actually spoken to him much more than usual by being away – is this that weird thing of ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder?’ It’s always been a case of ‘I’ll run away into the distance and forget’ before. It’s as I sit in the bar opposite the MTR station waiting for my good friend Garreth to return from work, that I realise how at home I feel and it’s only my second day – mental! I realise that I have been beyond brave in simply going at these new found adventures alone, not relying on a single soul and haven’t felt half the anxieties that I feel in my hometown. I feel like I belong. That I am part of this ever-so different culture and not judged for how I dress, look, act or behave at all; simply appreciated for who I am and for the fact my single smile projects so many positive energies to other people in this busy city and I feel it too. This is from me, only me.

I’ve always found it funny really how life has presented itself to me when I feel ‘green’ – projecting only the good out and want nothing more back or in return. Opportunity, love, hope and new found gateways come at once. Today, people gave back with that return of a single smile or nod, tonight – an offer of home tuition in Beijing from the single interaction with a little boy and his mother and just now – the over-the-top thanks at my offer of a lighter – again, with no more than this new found kindness in the form of an offer of a cigarette, a beautiful conversation and a new friend who is staying in the same place. It’s days like today that restores my faith in humanity. You see the beauty. Not the hatred, the violence, the judgmental or the absolute utter inhumane acts of terrorism of inequality and utter disgrace to other human beings. It’s on days like today that I realise how easy it is to find peace if you go out only giving and not expecting anything from the world or anyone else. If you give your all to others; love, laugh and smile like another despite the differences in culture and communication the feelings have no words. It’s on days like today that I realise what it’s like to live feeling nothing but happiness and contentment. It on days like today, Tuesday 14th June 2016 that I realise that EVERYONE – no matter who they are, has the ability to make their life something bigger, something better and something that makes them exceptionally proud from simply being themselves.

LMFC ❤

 

Hong Kong: Day 1 – Causeway Bay and Kennedy Town

Hong Kong: Day 1 – Causeway Bay and Kennedy Town

23.15 here in Hong Kong and I’m sat on the marble ledge of the living room window overlooking the harbour view reflecting on my first day. It’s not everyday that you can say you’ve spent your entire day planning your itinerary for what you’re going to be doing in Hong Kong for the next ten days, nor that you’re going to a nunnary in the moro’ to see what women over here stand by and hopefully communicate with them about their lifestyle. Nor is it common that you get to share the tranquil moments in the gardens of temples writing and looking at exceptional architecture. 

Today, I spent the majority of my time in the flat, Garreth; the very good friend that I’m staying with, at work and little ole me…taking it in. After planning such acivities of amazing excitement, I sit and prepare myself for the meeting with Chi Lin from the agency over here and call. We talk, he’s lovely. We share experiences, it’s wonderful. He laughs, I chuckle. He falls into this thoughtful mild state, I sit and wait. He smiles and asks to see pages at random from certain areas of my book. He will call me again this coming week. Great! Step on…complete! I do my emails, fall asleep yet again knowing that my body has finally let me rest now that I’m here and feeling relieved and wait for the return of my friend to tell him of my day. I speak to my partner who’s just woken, we laugh. He laughs. We exchange ‘funnies’, I do some work. Then it’s Din Tai Fung time with Garreth and his colleague for dumplings and they are DELICIOUS! ^_^ Step 1 and 2…..COMPLETE!

One of the biggest battles for myself is to get out and about on my own and disregard my irrational brain and anxiety to push forward and explore. It’s one thing going to auditions and places on your own in the country you were born without really knowing them but to explore in a country so very different to your and one of unknown culture and expectation…even more scary! The definition of such fears I suppose comes from the unknown…’What if I get lost?’ ‘What if I’m in danger?’ ‘Will they like how I dress?’ ‘Am I even dressed appropriately?’ ‘Will I ever come back alive?’ Respectably, everyone has these travelling alone or not and it’s this barrier that once over, will push me to do more in a place so very different. Tomorrow, I plan to get out and discover the world of others, the space, religion, lifestyle and hope that so many of these people hold. Tomorrow will be a point of bravery to get out alone and not just with someone I know. Independent and free like I once was before I fell so poorly. Before I got into recovery and before I decided to go back into my career even more detailed and determined. Will this be my Step 3? Sleep and Day 2 will only but tell?!…..

 

LMFC X